Santa Retiring: Must Sell

* Expansive northern property with several iconic features now available – first time on market!

Exclusive listing, sure to appeal to your most discerning buyers. This large and (frankly, well-beyond) secluded property is offered for the first time to clients seeking acute privacy, nightly front row seat views of the Aurora Borealis and an endless supply of ice cubes.

Beyond the main home (description to follow), this property boasts perhaps the only active reindeer enclosure in the area. While the stables are roomy and well-lit, I must be honest here – you will never, ever grow hay in this climate. Please factor in the cost of importing feed. To be noted, with many resident reindeer included, you may want to consider trading substantial piles of…fertilizer…to easily offset the cost of bringing in your feed.

Full disclosure: one reindeer in particular exhibits signs of extreme nasal brightness, likely due to the extremely low temperatures year-round. Disposition seemingly unaffected, constantly wanting to lead sleighs.

In addition to the well-maintained reindeer environment, there is a substantial factory on the property as well. While traditionally this multi-level building has been used for toy manufacturing, it could easily be converted to warehousing for upcoming new Apple merchandise, stockpiling leftover 2012 Mayan calendars or even filming James Bond movies. Trust me, no one will complain about a few explosions, if faulty manufacturing equipment and history is any indicator.

Adjacent to the factory is attached multi-family housing, suitable for a family of about 2,000. Included: 2,000 size small beds, 2,000 size small kitchens and 20 shared washrooms – go ahead, figure out the math on that one! Gingerbread walls and frosted roof tiles have just been covered in modern stucco and frost-repellent wood shingles. The subsequent insulation factor has greatly quieted the nightly collective chattering of the teeth. On truly chilling evenings, it sounded like a convention of beavers hopped up on Red Bull, trying to consume the Enchanted Forest. With loose dentures…

Finally, the jewel of the property – the opulent 5,000-sq.-ft. mansion inhabited by just two elderly individuals, and even at that, for only about two weeks out of the entire year. Equipped with every modern amenity, many manufactured in the aforementioned factory, located just outside the locked gate to the residence. Heli-pad doubles as landing strip for flying sleigh – don’t ask.

This desirable property MUST BE SOLD and every reasonable offer will be considered. Open to trades, specifically to tropical climates, presuming that camels or plus-sized lizards do not make the kind of mess that well-fed reindeer do.

Supplementary notes:

- Some title issues to be resolved and preference will be given to closing dates prior to mid-December. No worries, the client is totally the registered owner of said property.

- No showings allowed between Dec. 17 and Dec. 26! Or when “Ho Ho Ho” can be heard coming from the factory.

- Velvet red suits trimmed with fur will be donated to Lady Gaga, prior to possession day.

Please respond in confidence to our solicitor D. Elf at your earliest convenience.

Humour columnist and author Dan St. Yves was licensed with Royal LePage Kelowna for 11 years. Check out his website at, or contact him at

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Kelsey Adam

Kelsey Adam

CENTURY 21 Accord Realty
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