I sat beside a horrible human being on a flight last week. As horrible as Justin Bieber. I'm not exaggerating. Of course it was in the USA, Houston to Orlando.
I was in the middle seat. She was on the aisle.
The first thing she did was kneel on her seat, pushing her 50+ year old breast into my neck while she violently adjusted that little thing that blows air on you, repeating the elegant phrase 'come on bitch'. The blower thing was obviously working just fine. So maybe that was directed at me.
Her awful personness continued throughout the flight. She went to the bathroom for at least half an hour while the line grew. When she came back to her seat she sat down with such gumption that she gave me a commendable body check, were we playing hockey I'd have been impressed.
She put on her headphones, blasted Christina Aguilera, and bounced around her seat as if she was actually a happy person at a fun event. She was neither.
As we pulled into the gate, she grabbed her carry on and bolted for the front of the plane before the aircraft had even stopped.
Then, oh then... this one still fires me up...
I'm waiting for my bags and I look across the luggage belt. There she is, sitting in a wheel chair!
Wait for it....
With another wheel chair for her carry on bag!!
If she was selling her house, here's what she would do before the possession day:
She'd rip the pictures off the walls and wouldn't think twice about patching the holes or painting.
She wouldn't clean the kitchen, especially the gross stove. Heck, she stopped cleaning it the day the sale went firm.
She wouldn't clean, or even vacuum the carpets.
She would have covered up stains in the carpets and done nothing to clean it.
I don't even want to think about the toilet.
She'd take everything that wasn't 'technically attached'. Like light bulbs.
She'd throw away manuals for all the appliances. She could just give them to the excited new owner. But she'd throw them away.
She'd throw away all the spare keys, especially the mail key.
She wouldn't leave a note telling you about the quirks of the house, what day is garbage day, who the neighbours are, etc.
The trash bins would be full of her stuff. Leaving no room for your pizza boxes on moving day